Letter to Jay

Jay,

Honestly, I am not sure what to even write. I don't know how you feel about me right now, so I will write you and let you know how I feel about you. I love you so much it hurts! It hurts to watch you struggle, when you are such and awesome kid. It hurts me to see you miss out on the best parts of your life. It hurts me to watch the pain you cause your father. It is so hard to watch a kid/man with so much potential throw it away. I don't think you are doing it on purpose, but I think you chose a path and you don't know how to re-direct yourself. It hurts me to not be able to fix this for you. Al I want is the best for you always!

I hope you understand one day how hard it is to try to be a good parent especially in such an odd situation. All I have ever wanted was for you to love me and I know there is a good chance that will never happen.

Rejection is something that no one likes to feel especially from one of the people that you love most in life. I am working on coming to terms with that. I may not get to be the person to recieve anything back, but I am still working as hard as I can to make sure you are okay. I don't care who gets credit as long as I get the results I am looking for, you back!

I hope you recover from every pain you feel, from every disappointment, from everything that is bringing you down. I hope you grow into a happy person! I want for you more than anything for you to experience true happiness. If that happens I will be happy! Your happiness is the most important thing to me even if it doesn't involve me!

I love you very much and I always will,

Brandi

Ramble on

I am not really sure how to put my recent thoughts into words. So, I am going to type and if it sounds okay when I am done I am going to post it if not...I won't.

I am from a "broken" home, like most people these days. I don't understand why this is an acceptable reason for kids these days to do whatever the fuck they want. They have ZERO respect for anyone or anything and it is rather disgusting. Someone laughed the other day and said "just think this (point to my daughter) is our countries future." So it really got me to thinking.....I have met a lot of kids in the teenager catagory and I am now officially worried!!!! Back to the "broken" home comment. What is this about? Why is who you are based on who your parents are or how dumb or smart they are, or if they really love you? I totally know this sounds "cold" but I really feel this way. YOU are YOU and YOU make up who YOU are! Why are we so cought up in this idea that it matters. I mean sure...I LOVE my Mom a ton and I love my Dad too. He wasn't around as much when I was growing up and was a total tyrant. He was not an easy dad to have and when him and my mom got divorced he moved away. He wasn't that involved with us or should I say he wasn't "hands on". So big deal! Get over it and move on. I feel like because I have done that and really worried about my future and my family that the rest just came into place as it should. I just don't understanding forcing the issue or using it as a crutch as to why you are juvenille deliquent.

Help me!!

BTW I am not going to re-read this because I know it will be just a bunch of rambling and may not make sense to anyone but me...but who cares.

B

Shout out!!!

Friendship isn't tricky if you keep the "good" ones! I have been blessed many times over with a set of friends i know will be with me forever! Something I said this year when talking to an acquaintance that will stick with me for the rest of my life is " Not one person can fill every need you have." I think it is important to realize you need many people for many different reasons in life. You simply can't rely on one person! It is a huge burden to ask someone to bear. I need a spouse, girl friends, children, a mother, a father, a sibling, and many other roles to make me feel complete. They each play a very large role in my life, but one could not provide everything. I am so lucky to have all of the people in my life! It makes me smile inside and out when I think of them.

Mom, Dad, Jennifer, Jimmy, Lauren, Jay, James Ryder, Karen, Amanda, Liz, Brandy, Carla, Monica, Bridgett, Grant, Andrea, Bit, and anyone else I missed! (I am sure I will edit this many times to get it right) Thanks because you all have been a major contributor to my happiness!

Brandi

Expect what?

I have recently become a "birth" mom to my little boy James Ryder Balch. April 19, 2008 was the best day of my life. Sorry honey (Jimmy) it beats our wedding day out by a landslide. For years I have raised my step kids and learned a lot doing that. Did I do a great job? That's debatable, very debatable. What I can say is I did the best I knew how. I can truly say now that I understand what everyone said when they told me " having your own kid is different!". It is different, because you can love them all the same, but I don't think you can expect anything in return in a step parent role. You must know deep down somewhere that you were a good mom! You don't get much in return except heart broken. I really think his birth made me realize I don't love any differently but, they do! I had many thoughts in the back of my mind for years.

- Will they ever give love in return? I mean I was not the most cuddly mom but, I know I showed love in many other ways.
- Will they take care of me when I am old?
- Will I ever feel accomplished as a mother?

These are the main questions. Now I don't have to worry so much, because I know no matter what he will do all of those things for me. Wait he already does!!! I have longed for the feeling he gives me for years and I never knew that is what I was longing for.

I hope that Lauren and Jay don't loose the feelings they should have. If it isn't for me, I just hope that they get to experience the amount of love I have for my mother and my father don't go un-used by them. The feelings I have for my parents are very different and they both fill a different need I have. Some more than others, but I hope they understand and get to enjoy the way it feels to be loved unconditionally! It is such an AMAZING feeling! You can't describe it!

So the moral of the story is love those that have loved you! Love is amazing! I don't think I was able to understand Love in every sense of the word until James Ryder was given to me!

Thank YOU!!!!

My Little Big Sister

Jennifer,

I know somehow neither of us turned out to be very emotional people, but we love each other "hard core"! I know you love me without you ever saying it and I hope I have done as good a job showing you as you have done for me! You have been there for me for the tough times and the easy times and I am so glad I have you to share them with! I was so happy that you were there in the room when James Ryder was born. One of 3 people that I wanted there and you all got to share it with me! I am not sure why we ended up so close because I was a terrible sister through HS!!! I am suprised you even like me! Maybe that is why I love you so much, because you have the kindest heart of anyone I know! I am not sure that words can express how much I love you! Thank you for every hard thing you helped me through, thank you for loving me unconditionally, thank you for being you!!!! I love you FerFer

Very Special Mom

So I have a lot on my mind these days, like that is any different than before. I don't express myself on paper well, certainly not like my sister. She can make you laugh and understand EXACTly what she was thinking, me on the other hand...not so much! I am really blogging for myself. I don't think I will even publish this. Just for me!



I am not sure where exactly to start unraveling all of my feelings. I think i will write about my mother and my sister tonight. I just visited my sister Jennifer in Austin. My mother, James Ryder, and I drove down on Friday. When I am with my Mom and my Sister, I feel on top of the world! These are the people that helped make me who I am today.

My mom where to start. My Mom was the single person growing up that I could truly depend on. She was always there for me even when I didn't want her there. She didn't just tell me what I wanted to hear. She always told me the truth, but still managed to make me feel loved even when I totally screwed up! She is the person that I wanted to be proud of me most! (wow this is hard to put into words) Now that I am an adult I see just how hard the decisions she made were. There is no right or wrong way to be a parent. it is a constant struggle with how to do this job. She made mistakes but really very few as far as I can tell and none that had any life long negative effects on me! I think she showed me to make sure all of my decisions were made with love. Growing up wasn't easy and I am sure being a parent to me wasn't either, but she did a might fine job. Oh....I think something I don't say much is that my mom knew what was important to me and always managed to find a way to pay for the things I needed to be doing. Volleyball was the love of my life and she worked a second job in the summer to pay for my camps. She made sure I did everything I could to play as much as I could. I think this was detrimental to my success in HS because I was very focused on being the best I could and I made decisions based on that. She did things like save her change waiting tables to buy me these red boots I wanted...I wore them once and left them in the trunk of a car I wrecked...or maybe I just lost them, but I know they cost a lot and she did that for me. It seems small, but funny enough those are the things you remember! I love you mom!!!