Friendship isn't tricky if you keep the "good" ones! I have been blessed many times over with a set of friends i know will be with me forever! Something I said this year when talking to an acquaintance that will stick with me for the rest of my life is " Not one person can fill every need you have." I think it is important to realize you need many people for many different reasons in life. You simply can't rely on one person! It is a huge burden to ask someone to bear. I need a spouse, girl friends, children, a mother, a father, a sibling, and many other roles to make me feel complete. They each play a very large role in my life, but one could not provide everything. I am so lucky to have all of the people in my life! It makes me smile inside and out when I think of them.
Mom, Dad, Jennifer, Jimmy, Lauren, Jay, James Ryder, Karen, Amanda, Liz, Brandy, Carla, Monica, Bridgett, Grant, Andrea, Bit, and anyone else I missed! (I am sure I will edit this many times to get it right) Thanks because you all have been a major contributor to my happiness!
Brandi
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Expect what?
I have recently become a "birth" mom to my little boy James Ryder Balch. April 19, 2008 was the best day of my life. Sorry honey (Jimmy) it beats our wedding day out by a landslide. For years I have raised my step kids and learned a lot doing that. Did I do a great job? That's debatable, very debatable. What I can say is I did the best I knew how. I can truly say now that I understand what everyone said when they told me " having your own kid is different!". It is different, because you can love them all the same, but I don't think you can expect anything in return in a step parent role. You must know deep down somewhere that you were a good mom! You don't get much in return except heart broken. I really think his birth made me realize I don't love any differently but, they do! I had many thoughts in the back of my mind for years.
- Will they ever give love in return? I mean I was not the most cuddly mom but, I know I showed love in many other ways.
- Will they take care of me when I am old?
- Will I ever feel accomplished as a mother?
These are the main questions. Now I don't have to worry so much, because I know no matter what he will do all of those things for me. Wait he already does!!! I have longed for the feeling he gives me for years and I never knew that is what I was longing for.
I hope that Lauren and Jay don't loose the feelings they should have. If it isn't for me, I just hope that they get to experience the amount of love I have for my mother and my father don't go un-used by them. The feelings I have for my parents are very different and they both fill a different need I have. Some more than others, but I hope they understand and get to enjoy the way it feels to be loved unconditionally! It is such an AMAZING feeling! You can't describe it!
So the moral of the story is love those that have loved you! Love is amazing! I don't think I was able to understand Love in every sense of the word until James Ryder was given to me!
Thank YOU!!!!
- Will they ever give love in return? I mean I was not the most cuddly mom but, I know I showed love in many other ways.
- Will they take care of me when I am old?
- Will I ever feel accomplished as a mother?
These are the main questions. Now I don't have to worry so much, because I know no matter what he will do all of those things for me. Wait he already does!!! I have longed for the feeling he gives me for years and I never knew that is what I was longing for.
I hope that Lauren and Jay don't loose the feelings they should have. If it isn't for me, I just hope that they get to experience the amount of love I have for my mother and my father don't go un-used by them. The feelings I have for my parents are very different and they both fill a different need I have. Some more than others, but I hope they understand and get to enjoy the way it feels to be loved unconditionally! It is such an AMAZING feeling! You can't describe it!
So the moral of the story is love those that have loved you! Love is amazing! I don't think I was able to understand Love in every sense of the word until James Ryder was given to me!
Thank YOU!!!!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
My Little Big Sister
Jennifer,
I know somehow neither of us turned out to be very emotional people, but we love each other "hard core"! I know you love me without you ever saying it and I hope I have done as good a job showing you as you have done for me! You have been there for me for the tough times and the easy times and I am so glad I have you to share them with! I was so happy that you were there in the room when James Ryder was born. One of 3 people that I wanted there and you all got to share it with me! I am not sure why we ended up so close because I was a terrible sister through HS!!! I am suprised you even like me! Maybe that is why I love you so much, because you have the kindest heart of anyone I know! I am not sure that words can express how much I love you! Thank you for every hard thing you helped me through, thank you for loving me unconditionally, thank you for being you!!!! I love you FerFer
I know somehow neither of us turned out to be very emotional people, but we love each other "hard core"! I know you love me without you ever saying it and I hope I have done as good a job showing you as you have done for me! You have been there for me for the tough times and the easy times and I am so glad I have you to share them with! I was so happy that you were there in the room when James Ryder was born. One of 3 people that I wanted there and you all got to share it with me! I am not sure why we ended up so close because I was a terrible sister through HS!!! I am suprised you even like me! Maybe that is why I love you so much, because you have the kindest heart of anyone I know! I am not sure that words can express how much I love you! Thank you for every hard thing you helped me through, thank you for loving me unconditionally, thank you for being you!!!! I love you FerFer
Very Special Mom
So I have a lot on my mind these days, like that is any different than before. I don't express myself on paper well, certainly not like my sister. She can make you laugh and understand EXACTly what she was thinking, me on the other hand...not so much! I am really blogging for myself. I don't think I will even publish this. Just for me!
I am not sure where exactly to start unraveling all of my feelings. I think i will write about my mother and my sister tonight. I just visited my sister Jennifer in Austin. My mother, James Ryder, and I drove down on Friday. When I am with my Mom and my Sister, I feel on top of the world! These are the people that helped make me who I am today.
My mom where to start. My Mom was the single person growing up that I could truly depend on. She was always there for me even when I didn't want her there. She didn't just tell me what I wanted to hear. She always told me the truth, but still managed to make me feel loved even when I totally screwed up! She is the person that I wanted to be proud of me most! (wow this is hard to put into words) Now that I am an adult I see just how hard the decisions she made were. There is no right or wrong way to be a parent. it is a constant struggle with how to do this job. She made mistakes but really very few as far as I can tell and none that had any life long negative effects on me! I think she showed me to make sure all of my decisions were made with love. Growing up wasn't easy and I am sure being a parent to me wasn't either, but she did a might fine job. Oh....I think something I don't say much is that my mom knew what was important to me and always managed to find a way to pay for the things I needed to be doing. Volleyball was the love of my life and she worked a second job in the summer to pay for my camps. She made sure I did everything I could to play as much as I could. I think this was detrimental to my success in HS because I was very focused on being the best I could and I made decisions based on that. She did things like save her change waiting tables to buy me these red boots I wanted...I wore them once and left them in the trunk of a car I wrecked...or maybe I just lost them, but I know they cost a lot and she did that for me. It seems small, but funny enough those are the things you remember! I love you mom!!!
I am not sure where exactly to start unraveling all of my feelings. I think i will write about my mother and my sister tonight. I just visited my sister Jennifer in Austin. My mother, James Ryder, and I drove down on Friday. When I am with my Mom and my Sister, I feel on top of the world! These are the people that helped make me who I am today.
My mom where to start. My Mom was the single person growing up that I could truly depend on. She was always there for me even when I didn't want her there. She didn't just tell me what I wanted to hear. She always told me the truth, but still managed to make me feel loved even when I totally screwed up! She is the person that I wanted to be proud of me most! (wow this is hard to put into words) Now that I am an adult I see just how hard the decisions she made were. There is no right or wrong way to be a parent. it is a constant struggle with how to do this job. She made mistakes but really very few as far as I can tell and none that had any life long negative effects on me! I think she showed me to make sure all of my decisions were made with love. Growing up wasn't easy and I am sure being a parent to me wasn't either, but she did a might fine job. Oh....I think something I don't say much is that my mom knew what was important to me and always managed to find a way to pay for the things I needed to be doing. Volleyball was the love of my life and she worked a second job in the summer to pay for my camps. She made sure I did everything I could to play as much as I could. I think this was detrimental to my success in HS because I was very focused on being the best I could and I made decisions based on that. She did things like save her change waiting tables to buy me these red boots I wanted...I wore them once and left them in the trunk of a car I wrecked...or maybe I just lost them, but I know they cost a lot and she did that for me. It seems small, but funny enough those are the things you remember! I love you mom!!!
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