Expect what?

I have recently become a "birth" mom to my little boy James Ryder Balch. April 19, 2008 was the best day of my life. Sorry honey (Jimmy) it beats our wedding day out by a landslide. For years I have raised my step kids and learned a lot doing that. Did I do a great job? That's debatable, very debatable. What I can say is I did the best I knew how. I can truly say now that I understand what everyone said when they told me " having your own kid is different!". It is different, because you can love them all the same, but I don't think you can expect anything in return in a step parent role. You must know deep down somewhere that you were a good mom! You don't get much in return except heart broken. I really think his birth made me realize I don't love any differently but, they do! I had many thoughts in the back of my mind for years.

- Will they ever give love in return? I mean I was not the most cuddly mom but, I know I showed love in many other ways.
- Will they take care of me when I am old?
- Will I ever feel accomplished as a mother?

These are the main questions. Now I don't have to worry so much, because I know no matter what he will do all of those things for me. Wait he already does!!! I have longed for the feeling he gives me for years and I never knew that is what I was longing for.

I hope that Lauren and Jay don't loose the feelings they should have. If it isn't for me, I just hope that they get to experience the amount of love I have for my mother and my father don't go un-used by them. The feelings I have for my parents are very different and they both fill a different need I have. Some more than others, but I hope they understand and get to enjoy the way it feels to be loved unconditionally! It is such an AMAZING feeling! You can't describe it!

So the moral of the story is love those that have loved you! Love is amazing! I don't think I was able to understand Love in every sense of the word until James Ryder was given to me!

Thank YOU!!!!